The Unexpected Shift I Didn’t Know I Needed
I recently experienced a profound shift within myself — one rooted in unresolved grief. And it all happened in Bali.
I had been invited to join a group of women travelling there. The trip alone felt like a gift, but the second part — a retreat — held something I didn’t yet know I needed. I had a sense of synchronicity the whole time, as if I was meant to be there without understanding why.
Then I found my why.
Stepping Away to Truly Arrive
While in Bali, I intentionally stepped away from work and allowed myself to be fully present. I observed the group dynamics, noticing how each woman carried her own story. I found myself doing things I would never normally do on holiday — wandering through rice fields in the tropics, cooking local food, swimming in water that felt like heaven.
Yet the deeper purpose of this trip didn’t reveal itself until we visited Shanti Boutique Retreat.
Our days were light with yoga, breathwork and full of journalling. I reflected on what I had seen, and how Bali had made me feel. I had already experienced one waterfall cleansing, and at Shanti I was receive a second.
The Grief We Don’t Know We’re Carrying
I speak often about unresolved grief — how we bury it so deeply in the emotional box we carry that we sometimes forget it’s there. I do my own work whenever I sense something stirring.
But sometimes, we truly don’t know it’s there.
When you experience a major life change — like when my husband died — you feel shattered. Eventually, you gather the pieces of yourself and put them back together, though they never fit quite the same. You adjust, you adapt, you call it a “new normal.” And you face things as they arise, instead of pushing them down.
At least, that’s the intention.
The Healer Who Saw What I Hadn’t
When the retreat organiser asked if I wanted to see the healer, I thought, Why not? My plan was to say nothing and simply receive whatever came through.
He asked for my birth name and my business name, added them together numerologically, and smiled — apparently the number 10 is very auspicious.
Then he asked about my children, and kept returning to the question. I told him I had two sons, one estranged. But he wasn’t referring to them.
He was picking up on the three miscarriages I’d had.
He said I had not fully grieved these babies and that their energy was still “hanging around” me. I was stunned. I truly believed I had grieved them. But as he spoke, something in me recognised the truth.
He gave me instructions for a letting-go ritual at the waterfall the next day — and encouraged me to light a candle for each unborn child.
Whether or not you believe in this kind of thing, how he knew is still beyond me. That question alone opened something inside me.
The Waterfall Where Everything Shifted
The next day, our small group travelled to the waterfall for the cleansing ritual. We were guided to reflect on our intentions — in my case, healing the pain and finding peace.
After the pre-cleansing, we stood facing the river and were asked to feel into anything that needed releasing. When ready, we were to step beneath the waterfall and scream out our pain.
Now, we were a group of Brits and Aussies — not exactly known for screaming — but I reminded myself why I was here.
I stood back from the group and allowed the pain to surface:
my estranged son,
my husband’s death,
our unborn babies.
A surge of energy rose from my feet, filled my whole body, and pushed me toward the waterfall. I looked for the guide’s signal, but he was helping someone else. I couldn’t wait.
The scream that came out of me shocked even me — a blood-curdling, primal release. And it happened not once, but three times.
My friends jumped at the first scream; some turned with tears, feeling the depth of what was leaving my body. I completed this 3 times. I never thought that was all still in me. My close friend held me as I sobbed.
Afterwards, I felt that good post-cry clarity — but more than that. I felt a settling. A sense that the final missing piece of my inner jigsaw had clicked into place.
Integrating the Shift
Over the next few days, I journalled and reflected deeply. That shift didn’t just ease old grief — it helped me face current changes in my life, ones I had been resisting. Relationships I had tried desperately to keep the same began to feel quieter. More peaceful.
It was as if something inside me finally exhaled.
And as always, I continue to stay present with it — mindful, grounded, open.
You Don’t Need Bali — You Need a Remembering
Here’s the thing: you don’t need to go to Bali to experience this kind of clarity. Bali didn’t change me — it reminded me of who I already was.
Life brings change — some welcome, some unwanted. And sometimes those changes redirect us, nudging us off a path we were never meant to cling to.
Sometimes change doesn’t break you.
It simply asks you to remember who you are.
